Megaphone Parenting Can't Meet a Child's Need for Mirroring

A friend can't understand why her son is having trouble getting his life together. He is a bright young man. He grew up in an affluent area with good schools. She regards herself as an ideal mother. She provided him with good advice. She instructed him to think positively about himself and supplied him with affirmations to repeat every morning.

As in any household, there were rules. When the boy broke them, his parents yelled at him. They threatened severe punishment. But when he repeated an offense, his parents repeated their response. They yelled and threatened severe punishment. Didn't they realize the punishment was too severe to apply? Did they really believe extreme threats would make hands-on parenting unnecessary?

In any case, they were too busy with their preferred activities to supervise him or to reliably enforce household rules with appropriate consequences. The scenario was repeated endlessly. The boy did what he did before: He ignored their rules. The parents did what they did before: They yelled and threatened severe punishment.

Research shows that sometimes just one frightening episode in the early caregiver-child relationship can result in insecure attachment. Susan Woodhouse, a researcher and associate professor of counseling psychology at Lehigh University, says, "If the mother did frightening things when the baby cried, like hard yelling ... even if it only happened one time, the baby would be insecure."

This may explain why the boy's attachment to his parents was not valuable enough for him to care about their disapproval. Being yelled at was an acceptable price to pay for the freedom to do as he wished. He did not realize he was paying a price developmentally. With no need to follow rules, he gained little ability to delay gratification. With no mirroring, he developed only a weak sense of identity.